I want to believe in God I believe in UFOs I don’t believe in recycling I don’t want to believe in what th…

You can’t take both forks in the road but you can overpack

The brain is the heart’s fifth chamber and I am the chambermaid

We have passed from an age of temporary solutions for permanent… consider religion and death– to an era of permanent solutions for temporary…

The difference between God and human beings Is that God gives you what you deserve Which is always what you need

When I got to the front of the self-checkout line I assumed there’d be a mirror but to my surprise and delight it was even better than I’d hoped

After fifteen years of marriage I thought by now I’d have made partner

Knowing that everyone agrees you remind them of indoor furniture on the porch tells you nothing about what each of them thinks of you

The biggest risk of immortality is the lack of risk Chances are you’ll be bored to dea… for all eternity

I’ve wasted most of my life wondering Why do I believe in God? when I should have been asking Why does God believe in me?

If, after 10/7 you have the chutzpah to ask What just happened? their answer– It didn’t just happen–

Instead of shooting bullets into t… to celebrate I raise my leaf blower towards the… On blue moons I do this from my jet ski

If you count the rings on a tree stump it will tell you the cost of doing business

I don’t give a darn about my bland reputation

We used to have the haves and the have nots But then the haves were further subdivided into the haves and the have to