He was the kind of husband who when his wife asked him to stop sa… complied but started looking for excuses to… panda bear

Which came first The morals Or the justification Hint: The #1 excuse

For the longest time we were convinced there’s something they’re not tell… But now that they’ve finally told… we can’t stop asking

Notice how the giraffe evolved so that its neck is precisely long… to reach the water when it bends d…

My astrologer credited her work wi… for the discovery of a thirteenth… Jello the Jellyfish which shares the sting of my erstw… but is distinguished by a spineles…

Politics has become another form of showbiz but while the showman should always leave them wanting more the politician knows to

I thought my alarm clock woke me up each day but the day I realized it had always been a false alarm was the day I realized

Relationships are built on trust And the problem isn’t that we cybo… Don’t trust the other side Which was always vanishingly rare But that we don’t trust our own si…

Of course, the west Still thinks it’s the best And in the postmodern west The best is the worst Which is all well and good

We live in an age when the greatest danger is an excess of caution

You start out needing money to advance your ideology but you end up mouthing your ideol… to rake in more money

The stapler inevitably jams And it’s always the stapler That jams the copier Except for the times it jams When you try to copy something you…

Upon dying peacefully in my sleep surrounded by family after a long, prosperous life the Grim Reaper looked at me and… I’m glad to see you’ve arrived saf…

Some families hide the truth in pl… By laughing at it Although it gets confusing for a c… When the truth is a joke That can’t be told

As the Zamboni driver erasing everything that just happe… so it can all happen again I am preparing for my own death