At work They know me by my secret identity The mild-mannered Clark Kent But at home with my family I can relax and let them see the r…

Decisions my wife doesn’t make are settled by stare decisis

Because we know we must die and that survival depends on belonging we all live in fear

Because the ego mustn’t know its real mission lest it go back on accepting it, this message will self-destruct five seconds before life begins:

People are the opposite of baked potatoes– If you keep poking holes in their theories they will explode

If the world exists on a continuum between utopia and dystopia but instead of polar opposites utopia and dystopia are both hell then at the exact midpoint

My wife– All 5 feet of her– Busted me out of prison So that I could get back To a life of time

Actually marr– iage is like riding a tan– dem unicycle

Most people can get away with sweeping a few things under the ru… but when I started working at the… I couldn’t help noticing how the rugs looked like

People will only tell the truth when they think they can get away with it For example, perjury laws only wor… by publicly threatening jail time

In the world to come The United Nations will finally r… If you can’t beat ‘em Join ‘em

The difference between your superego and God is that your superego says You must, but you can’t leaving you with worlds of guilt

I can’t guess your age but I can guess your age when you got that tattoo

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb? None– We turn to an inner light

Nero fiddles while Rome burns? Fiddle-de-dee! Nero riddles but Rome never learn…