No one is exactly sure why God switched from a pass/fail syst… to having you grade yourself but there have been quite a lot of B-plusses flying ar…

War gave way Not to peace But to endless meetings

I used to pretend that Kafka’s The Trial was my favorite book but these days I bring a courtroom stenographer with me

When I was a child Parents sent their kids Outside to play Now we treat children Like little adults

Contemporary pacifism attempts to… One full fathom deep But repression is just short for The return of the repressed So, you can tell a modern pacifist…

Life’s greatest mystery is how other people could possibly have as little interest in my Spotify playlists

People are like whales who have gotten sick of plankton

Originally a method for learning from mistakes science had been debased into a tool for sorting right from wrong

In the movies they always guess right when it’s time to cut the blue wire or the red wire on the ticking time bomb

I believe in a future in which man perfects the art of expressing his discontent in bushes that look like clouds

“Life”, as it’s come to be known,… And ends with a grand finale But in between there’s just a lot… And grandiloquent small talk But there are grand plans for a se…

My constant sense of dread Was just a case Of perpetual stage fright In a never-ending performance of c… Now that I’ve dropped the act

It’s counterintuitive but refusing to make hard choices only to see them made on your beha… by the loudest voices still counts as being hoisted by y…

I thought I could keep the family… until I realized I was the family… So, all the time I was afraid of… the family’s dirty laundry I was already wearing

The opposite of bad breath Isn’t good breath It’s fresh breath Because all breath is good So, you never have to hold your br…