The Last Time I’ll Say
Tell me... I’m telling you.
The painting Orpheus leading Eurydice from the underworld... about a guy who blocked me who he thinks I blocked him from
If you needed me
You would’ve said so
If you cared at all
You’d have shown it though
How could I had truly known?
You know how I feel
I made it duly known
I always would and had always shown
But your silence hurt you more and more
The further along we got
Silence isn’t a punishment from you
It’s your death sentence
The waiting game isn’t how long I could possibly be without your presence.
It’s a laughable erosion of my feelings day by day
Had you really cared
Ego would’ve taken a back seat
I’m fixing to go with another
And still would’ve given you one last chance
At least to explain
You deny it or come with false intent
I do not live and run through maybes hoping to make someone upset or jealous
It’s sadly, so sadly won’t ever work that way.
There is no confusion that in kept i do not make much of
Especially the longer its away
When I write it’s not days of thoughts
It’s an hours question goin wait I have something of that still to say and then I go back to my normal ways
I’m not interested in Having a side piece or back up just in case
or more options than the next
What are options anyway
Keep options open, open relationship
No I never had that I just straight up betrayed
And I’d never make him part of your campaign
Told you only a few I’d become if really make you look a certain way for but for me?
No I don’t care what people like yall have to say.
Impressive you thought you were so much better or so much worse you thought you were gonna make me doubt myself.
I really wished I’d have warned you.
Me writing this way? Is not false pride.
I really am warning anyone
I don’t know how to doubt myself.
I was instilled with it.
I wanted you not to doubt yourself
Got me so very wrong
And because we both know your pride won’t ever admit that you’ll smirk everytime you think you’ve successfully played again
Gotten me to act out.
Not everything is about you.
This may be.
When You’ve lost me forever
And I don’t think I have to tell you anymore
How much of a loss that would be
Not of me
But of this.
It’s not about ego
Yours or mine
It’s about the loss we both would share not showing the world what we could’ve been together
I threw off my naysayers
Blood and friends
But you just couldn’t could you?
False ties
Half paused half displayed
You thought you even strung me along
But don’t you see it do you?
Others you kept still I knew you the best and you still think
You were just telling me what I wanted to hear
No you were telling truth
Children whose bearers you loved not
Because you cannot love.
Not when you have not been for any amount of time the right way.
Not saying anything of you is not true of me as well
You always saw the blaming of you but couldn’t tell
I was talking on myself as well.
We could’ve taken it on and had you received what deserved
But I’m to afraid to say you did not.
I was still there through it all
You had a real one and chose the one for the one night stand
Have a good time waking in 30 yrs
With that choice
Because you couldn’t speak to me
Pride over mistakes I know you made
Uglier than sin too
But meaningless in the grand scheme of things
This union was so much more
But you chose
To stay with low vibrational fools
Because their opinions somehow mattered
You listened to everything but the soul and heart
I’m right here and you know it
I chose no other
Even though your a manipulator
an arrogant boy who reacts stunned
Reacting like a child
I love you still
Because your more than that
And more you’d become
But say I know nothing we both know it ain’t true
It’s getting you to admit it that’s hard
But I really don’t care
Wish I could say I did.
I care not for your material nonesense
Come right or don’t
Come right means without an air of phony superiority
Without your mind games and manipulations
come vulnerable and I’m yours for life
I don’t think that’s the truth of my thoughts
But at one time I thought it was
And I also forgot all you may have gave this
To show others act like you were so much better
When really they are still wandering behind someone who they watch and get amused
That’s so sad that they have no life to speak of
Because I don’t care at all what is read
Dead, dead
I wish to say just one more and it not be negative and shaking my head
At how you handled everything
And I write on that when I miss you the most.
So I don’t have to end on bad words
I can leave all this with some words if love and truth
Some words that are me sooth
And then I can give him what I gave you
The attention that won’t be taken advantage of.
Anyone-withholding words just to make someone feel worse
Doesn’t work but is so disgusting.
Anyone of that nature couldn’t possibly make me feel bad.
And that you thought
that you had me in a back pocket for another day
There’s a reason you stay quiet
Youre afraid
You know I see you more than others see you
All the way through
And you like thinking you have control when you ignore
Your reading words that in the end are meaningless
You’ve no idea how I feel
I honestly didn’t know you read them.
If you have based anything off them or whoever reads.
I’m really apologizing.
Only some have any clues
To reality.
And it definitely ain’t these.
It’s just me getting mad about a type such as this
Never said I was certain of your ways
You simply stumbled on a way
I go into
Like proof or some such way of validating yourself
And I’m sorry this is gonna cause anxiety in some way
But what you feel was brought on you
Maybe you don’t ever see it
I hope it’s that way
Because let me be honest
I told you not to pay too much attention to these words anyway
But I really would’ve have walked away
But the second you get bored as youre prone to do
I’m through
So who would chance that anyway
When I say we are the same
I mean it, i play sometimes to make you say what I need you to say.
Or react in am actually truthful way
When I said we had the same
It’s wild when you really stop looking only at yourself
And accept I’m not so far away from it.
too see it takes work
Or live the single life and hate yourself by the time your old
Your choice
And I don’t mean being around me
Simply keeping from me what we both know you know
Set it free
Oh to watch you try to never say anything to me
Do what you gotta do to feel bigger
Or for it to feel like a win
There is no reaction you will get that way.
None thats gonna keep you happy til you’re gray
You’ll go through a lot more validations
From many more trances in between the phony and out played
I never hate on anyone I don’t know so whoever is constantly your yes man or lay
I don’t even see them or care or know a name
Maybe one and erased
You tried putting me in a competition I’d won either way
I bet on myself everytime
You need to say what you gotta say
Then just walk the other way
Don’t you know whatever it was I already forgave?
The only thing I don’t is pride and silence
No compliance
I don’t hurt.
I don’t dismay
I don’t have anything to say
But the time is now or never or im giving my hand to some one else and unlike you I honor that.
Not in life but just committed silence
I honor that
So I wouldn’t even ever speak again.
It’s not about losing me it’s about clearing away
But I still think you think I’m playing some waiting game
No I just don’t care the same
While I’m sure I could but in some day?
No I never was this
But if you question do I love you?
Always.
Am I obsessed!?
Never was
Do I care
Til death
My every breath would for you
Sorry when I say it
I don’t see giving care and support as a weakness
I give it to friend and foe alike
To male and girl just fine
If I choose you as someone I love
It’s yours for life
I don’t take things back
Or I don’t say.
you abused it with notions of a fool and his empty headed tools
Shiny on outside but erode with the years
Stop worrying so much about life’s consequences and responsibilities..
those can still be done.
Wake up
If nothing
I hear nothing
That is fine
Choices must be made and yours is done
But so must mine
And when I choose
It’s over forever
Wish it was you
Or wish you’d have said
But oddly I feel it may
Be my last
And the last now I must forget you
because you forgot me
Somehow I think I’ll have the easier time
I wanted them to all say nevermind
When they said I dodged a bullet.
Because I wanted to beleive there was more to you.
There really was
But will you give it power
Or go back to your old toxic cycle.
I love you
I really do
Why can’t you figure out what you want
Isn’t what you think
Let your ego go.
Just say it already
I’m more than a stroke of the ego
I’m more than validation to your need of attention
I can fulfill all that and more
Give you the chance to redeem it?
I could
In any way you’d so care
But no I won’t be just your friend ever
But I’d hear what you had to say
There are no more answers
It’s that
Or never cause hell in my energy again
All because of jealousy
Yours or theirs
You have no right feeling
Anything when I’m with someone else
You didn’t choose me
And that’s ok
Doesn’t come close to them
So what anger can you feel?
None
I don’t at all.
No anger, confusion or fear.
Just the solid wish you do the right things
But if you don’t
It ain’t me that lost anyway
We could have only just begun
Sadly I know you’re gone not from me only but just
I’m not sure
A part missing in the way
I’ve seen it now for a couple years
Knew it before I saw you last.
If anyone else reads anything and looks at you in anyway
Whose fault could that be?
I don’t care who sees a word of me.
Were you counting and wishing that I cared what anyone had to say?
That wasn’t even a possibility
Attempt too throw me off balance
I was always watching you try
I still have no idea who you thought I was.
I mean I even told you it was because
You never knew who I was
Trying to create situations that would baffle me
Conflict me
Never
Make me feel like I need someone?
That’s not how you do that
I’ll walk right into a storm you created
And Take it one on one
And I’ll do so with the strength you thought i did not have
Even though i said loudly
I am on my own path
But I’ll always be here to help you
But you couldn’t be a person who deserved help
Think I was gonna continue to take stupidity
Because thats what it was
It wasn’t cruel, painful or even that derogatory
Not to me because I’d never heard those words said to me
How did you think you alone had the power to make me believe them?
Hey I cared
But not enough to believe every word you said.
I knew that from the reeling in you first did.
When I knew but decided I liked you anyway
I don’t mind dealing with your kind
But I don’t bind
I don’t have to have anyone until they show me they have to have me.
If you couldn’t see
I’m sorry
If you think these words are me
Staying stuck because your silent and trying to confuse
Try again.
None of that abuse
Makes me do anything
But what I wanna do.
I don’t sacrifice or lay down or lose
Until someone else so the same will choose
And he will.
So take your pride and your inability to lose
Because you couldn’t just speak
It doesn’t feel painful at all.
Why? Because that’s what you want it to feel like.
You could call, explain then
But you wouldn’t give the satisfaction
You lost out
Turn about
Heal you
I can’t be what I’ve never been, what I’m not.
and I know you’ve chosen to lay down instead of stand up.
But you regressed into hell
By the way
Not only can the physical worlds be hell.
You could’ve told me anything
Nothing in me judges
But i do say
Farewell
There were things that were never finished and no wonder you’ve not said a word
With all your attempted
I think I still would’ve
Your ability to think people are below you is your downfall.
I don’t wait around to be an option never have, never will.
I dare you to be more
To step up where you belong
But ill see you in the next life
—CRSTANGER
Hah omg I never come back to edit these types that I’m just talking through a problem as I don’t expect them to really be read .. I’m writing to get thought out and then push save to keep it.. I never think oh if that’s read it should be more legible.. you can tell these from my actual poetry .. I really like rhyme when I’m arguing in a way that blows off annoyance or maybe a rolling of my eyes artistically..lol.. definitely not the place to find rational truth .. it’s thoughts that are just around and one comes up and I’ll just start rhyming.. I’ll have a time every so week and think and write something and then I basically rid myself of a bunch of poisonous thoughts. I expect anyone to really read these long types where I’m working through a particular situation or relationship.
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