Looks Like I Loved You Afterall (A Letter)
I wrote a letter.. against all others negativity.. knowing they would betray .. but knowing a lesson was gonna propel me forward... and now nothing in the worlds is the same .. life is beautiful.
Dear to whom it may concern
Which in all honesty it’s exactly who I expect it to be
I think this was the final lesson I had to learn.
The hardest part,
to let it go
Because you let it fly
So long ago.
I loved you without a single
Rule.
A single condition.
And the funniest part of it all?
I still do.
I just didn’t realize it for awhile
Other things got in my way
My heart was block I had not the time
My soul was a cemetery for death
My mind saturated and lingering on bittersweet, foolishly beautiful memories I could languish on in safety .
But not of you or I
Of memories long long ago
but how I did love to feel in love.
I knew then they were just part of my disease.
Something I did when I got bored.
A pattern diseased with images long understood as just a phase.
Except it would pass away
Come to death
But I’d mourn it not.
Not even a day.
Except
I was wrong
The jokes on me.
For you were no muse
Or maybe you were
But nothing I had used before.
Maybe my greatest even.
No not just a muse.
But a part fused
Into me.
Applause are in order
I’m happy for you
In fact I’m impressed
Not many could do what you did..
And your arrogance would have you believe it was for all the wrong reasons I loved
No.
I found myself bored at those
Saw them as a play rehearsed.
I love you for the small reasons you could not see.
Yes I loved you
And I love you still.
You truly are an anomaly because instead of being happy
You’ll be impressed with yourself
Showing your friends how good you are like you walked out of your youth yesterday .
You won’t realize the gift you had.
Yes
I truly, without match
Above all else and anyone else
I chose you
I loved you.
And you assumed it was you who had threw it away
When I had already walked
Already done what I had to do to split
Waiting on you to use the knife
Cut the cord
So I could silently shuffle away
I let your arrogance win
And then I let you believe it.
I am so sorry you went to such fakery
But it helped.
Now I know who you are.
Why could you not grow up
Why you could not change
We had so much to be and you squandered it
I don’t listen to my heart or yours
My soul or yours
And I don’t listen to our bodies
What troubles would we be in then.
I must smile at that.
I grew bored in the end
Just as you did
Not because we used up what was fun
We had only just begun
No because I stopped trying
I became typical for you
Because I had to.
You didn’t deserve my best.
You hated me at my worst
What makes you think you deserved me at my best
One day when you see yourself whole
The way I did.
You’ll understand what this was and why.
What you called weird
What you called over attentive
Was actually quite normal
Your imagination was something else
I hardly ever contacted you
And you said I was so oh so head over heels
Then? No... I wasn’t
In fact I was a tad surprised
At how something I knew with potential
Could only call into their darker side
Now?
I’ve found quite a surprise.
Yes .
I loved you
I love you still but your foolish games are more unimportant
I grieve for you.
I wasn’t being used.
That didn’t bother me
I saw that from the start
I’ve committed the same deed and loved all the same
No I accepted that.
Because you forget not only women can be used
That was the flaw in your game
We both know how to play a game
Both showing masks
You were so tough and aloof
Tried to give fake as truth
Poison as real love
I think I know the difference
I was much older than you realized.
Older than you in many ways it seemed.
We both wore masks though neither of us could save
I played so submissive and gave constant proof.
That was for you proof
Of my “obsession”
And you never saw aggression
That was also an excuse you made.
We never even fought
You just thought the toxic was the way it should be.
You never knew a real one
And no you never knew me
How could you think people so foolish
You couldn’t have possibly thought I’d let your fakery back in after you were gone so long
As if I’m on the back burner
Boy I’m not choice
I’m not option.
Why else would I laugh when you insulted me?
I always thought you were observant
If you were you’d have seen how obviously I was showing you how
There were things I was not gonna allow
I fear for you now
I don’t know why I fear your in trouble of some kind
I hear it, feel it..
Turmoil and confusion
Sickness?
Physical, emotional, detrimental
All
Tell me I’m wrong.
I hope it is so
I hope you have been happy all along.
But I’ve been nostalgic lately
And it took me back to a time
Things seemed somewhat easier
They laughed.
But I saw every shaded looked from the side
Every reaction you wanted I saw in your eyes when you thought I was looking at the road
You and I were dangerous together
We see too much. And notice all.
Know how to fake and know how to draw
But you see I knew of the plan.
How disgusting
Lost that bet
But worry not you lost before it was made
All because you never saw who held the blade.
I enjoy being myself
I love giving of myself
But I saw it all.
You truly thought I couldn’t see
And that was ok
I still loved you through it all
I miss the feeling of you believing you were that
Even when I knew you were not
You gave me fake right off so what did you think you got?
True though it is
I love loving
It’s ok if I’m not loved back
That’s where we are different
Yes I miss loving you in every way.
Sure I love holding you...
I’ll miss you
One last time.
But life isn’t fair
Remember me one day
I remember once I curled up behind you while you slept
Your arrogance truly assumed it was an action of over interest instead of kind compassion
And it was more of friendship than anything and you cast me off
believing I was attempting something I found grotesque.
It was truly fascinating
You misunderstood every action I took in truth and compassion
You lied to other when you said you didn’t enjoy the passion
You had for me.
You told other things I did that which I didn’t
And what I did meant what it most certainly did not
me you still got
I’m still here
I’ll always be
But just I can’t let it be free
Youre not listening
And you arrogance refuses to see
I don’t share
And you need more than a pair
To validate you
When you don’t even realize you don’t need this.
But since you insist I must go quiet
I wish I could convince you of
the mistake
It isn’t my wish or hope in fact i didn’t mind the break
But for both our sake
I know something is wrong
I’ve said it loudly so all along
I can’t put my finger on it.
That this path is crooked
That you path is veering out and in the dark
Not for me but you.
I admit I’ve gone that way too
But I worry more of you
Please tell me that it isn’t true.
You did much I could want revenge
But no never none of it was truly anything I’d avenge
But did hear it? He’s unfortunately
I heard all those words you said in rooms I was not in.
Tryin to sound bigger than you were..
Did you tell them the real truth
Or did you make it all up.
Because we didn’t even do much to be told of.
Oh my love
How dare you?
Think I didn’t hear?
Try me you’d be shocked
I could hear and when I faced you after them
Go ahead show them now
They will look this up to talk amongst themselves
Aren’t you ashamed of yourself
Are you awake yet?
Court is in session
But I won’t lie about you
As you did me.
I’ll only tell then good parts
And I won’t make up the bad as you did me.
Why can’t you see?
You can be better than those that have held you down.
They didn’t like you were coming off the ground
That your spirit seemed to waken when I was around
Lie all you want you know we were bound
But keep pretending.
I’ll keep ascending
Without you.
Are you reborn yet somehow?
Have you decided to be more?
I have
I am casting off all I cannot help anymore
I will grow or drown
So those around will grow or drown
How can you give up so easily
And give yourself over to such pain uneasy
I don’t want you to drown
I want you to live
Sometimes living isn’t what you have or buy or have on your arm
You can’t always do what they say
You’re a man of your own.
I always saw the man in you
while a few saw the boy
You know who I speak of
You rule your life
So why is it you still walk like a toy
Still laugh at the jokes put before you as a ploy
Only to make those feel awful that could truly bring you joy
Had you not seen it yet?
I miss you like you could never believe
Our bodies miss water
The heat of the day
Shrivels it away
Our skin
Thirsts for the pure liquid of the mountain stream
I miss you as this.
You the mountain and I the stream
Forever feeding eachothers dreams
And never knowing a thing
Both living their own lives
Come now you really think I didn’t know of your secret others?
“Oops I almost said to much”
“I owe this much more support”
“Oh that’s a nice picture”
Remember I even said how many more do you want?
“Be careful you don’t want FOUR of them running around.”
If you read what I said and read well
You’d find I knew the whole time of your other place and other time.
It was no typo.
Just my luck
But I’ll get on I know how to tuck
Away all I am into myself
And give it to only the willing
I enjoy giving it to the unforgiving and the unrelenting
Unreciprocated
I enjoy the writing
But you?
No it wasn’t just another dive into to feel pain
And climb out shaking off myself and moving along.
No you were different
Because I knew your secrets the one you tried to hide and in spite of them I loved even the
Lie
I would have died to help you
But not for you
I’d have cried because you cried not because of you
But pride?
Oh my pride
Thank you for making me understand the hidden parts of not yet pried
Open.
I’m still learning.
And I cannot lay back the worth of the lesson in coin
Maybe one day I’ll see you again
At a place some like to join
You aren’t a stranger
You aren’t a real danger
Not one I fear at least
I’ve even doused anger
No nothing but true understanding
Thank you for the lesson
Now that I see clear
Sadly I didn’t know it but I want no other
I have tried
So I just pass by
You have no idea what you have done out of pride.
I was and am will always be on your side
No matter the betrayal
And such betrayal
Shocking as it is fascinating to know people are capable of such foolery and inflicted pain on the innocent and sane.
But I accepted it anyway
Knew what I was in for in the beginning
and took it on anyway
I heard of you before I stepped in your door
I also know secrets of you you tried to tell me
Have you chosen your side yet?
Whatever you chose
I hope you are happy with it.
I hope you love it.
Because that makes me happy for you.
But
With all your other fools
You know who had the highest caliber
I’m sorry you could not tear me down
But you did make me see I wanted no one else to see me be found
Yes
I loved you
I realized too late
What a tragic turn of events
If anyone had harmed you
You could still count on me
I told you always a friend
In fact that’s what I think I’m missing most.
Just promise me this stay out of trouble
It’s the only reason I still wanna hear your voice
You made a foolish choice
if you truly care to change it you would have
So I wish you so much good and
All you want in the world
So many other tragedies took my time and mind
Tragedies you know well of
And where they came from.
Of course I know.
But it’s ok.
There is nothing here to say
Or be angry with you of
I know who you got to come at my door
It’s ok
It’s unconditionally
I’m sorry you thought that mean you could walk all over me
I’m so sorry
My kind is stronger than anything you thought up
But back then when other pain took over I apologize to late
in my mind you only made me irate
But it has softened now
And with all your sin
All the things you said to me that didn’t even get beneath the skin
But then all the heinous things you did just to show you were “in”
What a cool crowd
Excuse me while I scoff
What you did just to feel part of something threw me off
You didn’t even notice the misunderstanding
But all the things you did
I refuse to care
Unconditional is unconditional
I hate you not or I’d be hating myself
So maybe again l see you. Maybe I won’t
But please as you and your laughing tongues
Watch with the amusement of juveniles
Where were they when I was there for you to care
What did I do that was just oh so unfair
That was hysterical
As I see too many hyenas with nothing to do.
But I care not of them
my self esteem long in tact and those poor souls fragmented for all time ..
They can touch me
I miss you you know
I really do.
On my nostalgic days I wish you could see.
The world was different back then
And I warned you of this if you remember ..
You said I read to much nonsense.
Wanna know when I first knew you were full of it?
Don’t get a big head.
I’m picky
It made me sick.
To think you thought so well of yourself.
From then on I knew your game well.
And I continued to play the fool
While the fool made a fool of himself
But it didn’t matter
I loved you still
That look I gave you
The one that could kill
You deserved.
And I’m sorry for all I have done that ever made you feel anything less than what you need. But
This is of you and I..
I wish you such happiness
Though is it possible?
I wish you love but are you really a narcissist?
I don’t know.
Likely
Or maybe you’ve never truly been loved
So the ugly love disguised as new and gold
You think feels normal and real
And i hope that for you
But im sorry id never compete for you
You have to be joking.
No . I don’t wait for you
It’s just no one has caught my eye.
I have to see your soul
Or I walk on by .
Just whatever you have chosen
Be it the right one for you
Or use them up and keep moving
Because your heart is that cruel
I’m above that.
although im almost sure that it will fail
Because I know whats beneath that hard exterior
I know the dark there..
But I know the child beneath that
And the soft kept under lock and key.
Which one is gonna rule thee?
Have you ever thought of it?
Have you failed it mocking all that’s cared?
But there are others
I wish you wealth
But that which you haven’t stolen
I don’t mean of material.
And I wish you peace
Where you have not a lease
To be repaid
I’d give anything for just one for day to just to speak it over and you know I’d like a sleep over
But with you and I..
You gonna try to lie about such?
You know I could have you with a touch.
But no that’s what I thought it was
But months down the road
What fool I was.
We didn’t even do much
You made sure not to
I think you thought it would control me
But it just made me look away.
I told you you had a match in those areas
That’s what you couldn’t stand
You hated me and made an enemy of me
For reasons I don’t even think you know
Or was it because your own toxic blood said so.
I’m free now myself
Of all mine
You know I know you talked to
Them.
You know I know of all the plan.
And I’m not even sure why
I don’t even care about another hour
It’s sometimes to hard to hear the senses strong within.
I’ll seen you again
Two magnets will not be pulled apart.
This love I had it was worth it
The mind
You do anything to fix it.
And you did not
I’ll always love you but you tried to burn the bridge I kept building until I got tired.
I simply waved goodbye..
Yes I had a final lesson in this contract of the soul
Before I finally let go
I know
That it could’ve been more had they simply been asked
It could’ve changed from nightmare into golden pact
But it was not merely like, friendship, love, lust, or the lack
But simply unconditional.
The sum of all of that
Without fear or ego standing in its way
Worrying what bothers others
For who cares what they did
Damn them all but you and I
Yes my lesson is now complete
So be happy with yourself
It’s what you wanted ain’t it?
To accept and not scold to go inside
To love you unconditionally no Matter what cruel you said or did to I.
Perhaps one day you’ll know
I surely hope so
As you cannot take advantage of it any longer
But you can sit in sorrow that you took a wrong turn
I’ve taken many
I simply corrected myself
But but you refused so I mourn thee.
So here it is that I’ll leave you be .
You can’t imagine how I’ll miss this
But if you must go from this then I must not miss.
I love you, you know?
And unconditionally so.
You forget
You taught me a lot more than you could ever know.
If you ever come back
I have thought with humor sure
Perhaps I’ll let you bread crumb me more
If I could please eat crackers off your bedsheets.
That’s a hard one isn’t it?
You’re smiling now and you know it.
Fine, just ten crackers off the table.
So short a time was it really?
So short a time to see us so clearly
But what a time it was I’ll now hold it dearly
Even in your “fakery”
And end it here this letter
But may it not be our end.
signed,
genuine, sincere, oh so sincerely.
Me.
—C.R.Stanger
